Sleep training 101: Silent return to sleep

Introduction

If your toddler is getting out of bed repeatedly at bedtime or in the middle of the night, you’re not alone. Many parents face this challenge when transitioning a child from a crib to a bed or when their child begins testing boundaries around sleep (and this is a reason to avoid making the transition to a bed before age three). One approach to addressing this issue is the Silent Return to Sleep method. This strategy is designed to help toddlers understand bedtime expectations while minimizing attention-seeking behaviors. In this post, we’ll explore the science behind this method and provide step-by-step guidance for implementation.

The Science

The Silent Return to Sleep approach is rooted in behavioral psychology, specifically principles of extinction and consistency in reinforcement. Research suggests that children are highly responsive to parental attention, whether positive or negative. When a toddler gets out of bed and a parent engages in negotiation, pleading, or even reprimanding, the child learns that leaving their bed results in attention—reinforcing the behavior.

Minimizing interaction when addressing bedtime resistance can be an effective way to reduce sleep disruptions.

The goal of Silent Return to Sleep is to break the cycle of reinforcement by calmly and consistently returning your child to bed without engaging in conversation or offering attention beyond what is necessary. Research also supports that consistency in sleep routines and responses helps toddlers develop self-regulation and independent sleep skills.

While the basic principles of reinforcement learning are well established in the scientific literature, there aren't very many evaluations of this technique. A study published in 2004 found that after a week of implementing a version of Silent Return to Sleep, the number of night wakings dropped from ~2.3 to ~1.6 per night, while time awake at night dropped from about an hour to about 30 minutes (Eckerberg). These improvements were maintained three months after implementation. While these findings are positive, we usually like to see replication studies to feel confident in setting parental expectations.

How Do You Implement Silent Return to Sleep?

The Silent Return to Sleep approach is straightforward but requires patience and consistency. Here’s how to implement it:

1. Set Clear Expectations: Before bedtime, explain to your toddler what is expected. For example, you might say, “Once you are in bed, you need to stay there until morning. If you get out, I will help you back to bed.” Keep the explanation simple and calm.

2. Make Sure Your Child is Ready for Sleep. Many toddlers resist sleep at bedtime because they aren't biologically ready for sleep. Check out our blogs on taking a long time to fall asleep and dealing with bedtime battles to ensure your expectations are reasonable.

3. Establish a Consistent Bedtime Routine: Although it might seem simple, bedtime routines have been shown to improve sleep on their own. If your bedtime routine isn't working for you anymore, check out our blog on how to build a better one.

   1. Make sure your child's needs are met during the routine so you don't feel guilty denying requests once your child is in bed. For example, if your child gets thirsty, provide your child with a spill-proof water bottle during your bedtime routine.

4. Minimize Engagement: If your toddler gets out of bed, quietly and gently return him/her to bed without engaging in conversation or showing frustration.

   1. Don't do an elaborate tuck-in or sit with your child after going back to bed. This inadvertently provides positive reinforcement for getting out of bed (e.g., think about it, if your child gets kisses and a tuck-in after getting out of bed, that will make your child want to keep getting out of bed). Just put your child to bed in a matter-of-fact manner and save the snuggles for the end of your routine. Even small concessions like adjusting a blanket can lead to incomplete resolution.

5. Remain Calm and Consistent: Expect that your child will test boundaries initially. It may take 50-100 returns (yep, 50-100!) before your child realizes there is no benefit to leaving bed in the absence of a problem.

   1. Some toddlers may ramp up crying or become limp or aggressive before their behavior improves—this is a normal reaction known as an “extinction burst.”

   2. Some toddlers may make soft appeals, asking for "one-more hug," questioning why you are not responding, or may try to negotiate. It can be hard to deal with these types of requests, but you should respond in the same manner, putting your little one back in bed without responding to the requests. Remember, daytime is for snuggles, nighttime is for sleeping.

6. Reinforce Positive Behavior: In the morning, provide positive reinforcement when your child stays in bed, such as verbal praise.

   1. Do not try to bribe your child with a present/sticker for staying in bed. Most toddlers don't have enough impulse control to wait for a reward in the morning, which can lead to a tantrum or anxiety around sleep.

   2. Provide the positive reinforcement without preconditions as a "random" reward. For example, if your child stayed in bed all night, say "You did such a great job staying in your bed last night. I'm so proud of you!"

7. Ensure the Environment Supports Sleep: Make sure your toddler’s room is cool, dark, and quiet. A toddler clock that signals when it’s time to wake up can also reinforce expectations but don't expect a toddler clock to fix your problems.

   1. If using a toddler clock, set it to turn on earlier than you think your child will wake up. When your child wakes to find the toddler clock on, get your child right away, provide praise, and do your morning routine. If your child is up before the clock turns on, stay in "night mode" until the morning cue signals that it's time to stop.

Modifications and additions

• Say a mantra when you interact with your child. If it feels weird to stay silent when you are taking your child back to bed, it's ok to say a mantra as long as you say the same thing each time and do not engage in further conversation. Say something that is both redirecting and reassuring like, "nighttime is for sleeping, snuggle up in your cozy blankets and I'll see you in the morning."

• Work on bedtime and the night in different phases. If it feels overwhelming to do this at bedtime and also in the middle of the night, it's ok to work on bedtime for 4-7 days and then work on the middle of the night.

• Practice modeling the interaction during the day. Engage in pretend play by doing your bedtime routine with one parent pretending to be the child. Your toddler can go through your bedtime routine by reading stories, singing, etc. At bedtime, have your toddler say good night and leave the room. When the parent in bed leaves the room, have your child to "help" the parent back to bed. *Don't do this right before bedtime.

How long will this last?

Most toddlers over 18 months old will have the capacity to stay awake for hours at bedtime and each wake up! You shouldn't start this approach unless you have the stamina to follow through until your child is asleep (without a change in your behavior).

Once you begin, it shouldn't take more than a week to work. If you are still struggling after a week, reflect on whether you were consistent in your actions (even small concessions like adjusting a blanket can lead to regressions). If you were consistent, consider your child's schedule to make sure your expectations surrounding sleep are reasonable. If you are still struggling, consult your pediatrician to ensure you aren't dealing with something more complicated. We are also happy to speak with you in a consultation.

Final Thoughts

This approach isn't going to be a good fit for every family and situation, especially for children who have anxiety. We'll be posting other approaches in the coming months, so check back for more. If you can't wait, feel free to book a call with us and we'll work with you to develop a strategy that works for you.

Need more help?

Check out our other blogs on toddler sleep issues. If you also have a baby, check out our 0-6 month and 6-15 month classes. If you just need to talk things through with someone, please feel free to book a one-on-one consultation with us. We are always happy to help.

As working moms who also have formal education in sleep medicine, nursing, and behavior analysis, we always appreciate it when you share our blogs and resources with other parents who could benefit from the information. Please explore our site for other free resources. We have blogs on schedules, travel, and more!

References

• Seymour, F.W., Bayfield, G., Brock, P. and During, M., 1983. Management of night‐waking in young children. Australian Journal of Family Therapy, 4(4), pp.217-223.

• Eckerberg, B., 2004. Treatment of sleep problems in families with young children: effects of treatment on family well‐being. Acta Paediatrica, 93(1), pp.126-134.

• Minde, K., Popiel, K., Leos, N., Falkner, S., Parker, K. and Handley‐Derry, M., 1993. The evaluation and treatment of sleep disturbances in young children. Journal of child psychology and psychiatry, 34(4), pp.521-533.

• Mindell, J.A., 1999. Empirically supported treatments in pediatric psychology: bedtime refusal and night wakings in young children. Journal of pediatric psychology, 24(6), pp.465-481.

• Segers, E., Beckers, T., Geurts, H., Claes, L., Danckaerts, M. and Van der Oord, S., 2018. Working memory and reinforcement schedule jointly determine reinforcement learning in children: Potential implications for behavioral parent training. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, p.394.