Help! My child takes forever to fall asleep at bedtime!
The evening after children go to bed is often the only adult time that many parents get. This makes it all the more frustrating when your child just can't settle. If your child pops out of bed over and over at bedtime or begs for you to sit in the room or outside the door, this blog is for you!
The Science
Recent research finds that a child’s circadian rhythm drifts later over time. This means the bedtime your child had at age 2 probably won't work at age 3, and the bedtime your child had at age 3 probably won't work at age 4.
Light is what tells your child's circadian rhythm when it's time to sleep and wake. Light in the evening shifts the drive to sleep later, while light in the morning shifts the drive to sleep earlier. Recent studies have shown that children are more sensitive to light than adults and evening light exposure of as little as the equivalent of five candles (even from overhead lights) can prevent your child's body from producing melatonin and shift sleep timing later. See our blog on night lights to make sure you aren't inadvertently contributing to the problem.
If your child naps, your child's bedtime may even be further delayed. (Note that we don't recommend dropping a child's nap until at least age 3 because studies suggest non-napping 2-year-olds have difficulty maintaining emotion regulation without a nap.)
To complicate things further, the strongest drive to be awake happens right before bedtime, so if you keep an "old" bedtime, your child may be wide awake and unable to sleep. This mismatch between parental expectations and a child's biological drives for sleep and wake is a big part of what causes bedtime battles and nighttime anxiety.
Finally, some children develop FOMO or test limits at bedtime, some develop anxiety, and others simply have short sleep needs. These factors can make it even harder to know where to start with problem solving.
What does this mean for you?
If you try for bedtime at 7:00 pm, but your toddler never falls asleep until 9:00 pm it’s possible that you are asking your child to sleep at a time when his or her body is promoting wakefulness. It may seem crazy to have a 3.5-year-old up until 9:00 pm, but the reality is that many children will not be ready to sleep until that late, especially those who nap.
What can you do to help your child fall asleep faster and earlier?
Determine how much total sleep your child needs by keeping a sleep log for about a week. Your child's average sleep is a good indicator of how much sleep your child likely needs.
Use this information to determine when your child should sleep. For example, if your child averages 10 hours of sleep at night and two hours during the day, don't expect your child to sleep more than 12 hours in a 24-hour period (at least to start).
Identify your target nap and night durations based on this information.
Note: your child probably needs 5-7 hours awake from the end of the nap until bedtime depending on his/her age.
It's ok to shorten your child's nap to as little as 30 minutes if your child is at least 2.5 years old.
Remember, an earlier bedtime will likely mean an earlier wake time so don't aim to shift bedtime too early unless it works for your schedule.
Once you've identified your child's sleep targets:
Start by moving bedtime to your child’s bedtime to align with the time that your child usually falls asleep. It's ok if this is a socially late time, like 10:00 pm.
Dim the lights at your target bedtime (e.g., 8 pm) and engage in quiet activities until your child's new late bedtime. Remember, light suppresses melatonin and will make it hard to shift your child's sleep earlier.
Wake your child in the morning at your target wake time and expose your child to bright (ideally natural) light in the morning to help shift your child's timing of sleep earlier.
Gradually move bedtime earlier in 10-15 minute increments every 2-3 nights until you reach your child's target bedtime (note that this will probably be later than the bedtime you were offering previously).
Adjust or shorten naps if age-appropriate in order to help your child fall asleep earlier.
We don't usually recommend shortening naps to less than 1.5 hours for children under age 2.5.
We don't usually recommend shortening naps to less than 30 minutes for children from age 2.5-3.
It's ok to drop the nap if you don't think your child needs it after age 3.
Use common sense adjustments when managing your child's naps. If shortening the nap doesn't seem to work for your child, keep a later bedtime and a longer nap. This may be annoying in the short term, but rest assured your child's bedtime will shift earlier after dropping the nap.
If your child is getting out a bed a lot, testing limits, or anxious when you leave the room, check out our blogs on how to deal with those issues.
Need more help?
If you are concerned that your child may have a medical issue that is interfering with sleep, talk with your pediatrician. If you just need a little help formalizing a plan to get your child to fall asleep more easily at bedtime, please feel free to book a one-on-one consultation with us. We are always happy to help (and yes, we have lots of experience with toddlers and preschoolers!).
As working moms, we always appreciate it when you share our blogs and resources with other parents who could benefit from the information. If you are facing other challenges, please check out our other blogs, our 0-6 month class, and 6-15 month class. We have blogs on schedules, travel, toddler issues, and more!
References
LeBourgeois, M.K., Wright Jr, K.P., LeBourgeois, H.B. and Jenni, O.G., 2013. Dissonance between parent‐selected bedtimes and young children's circadian physiology influences nighttime settling difficulties. Mind, Brain, and Education, 7(4), pp.234-242.
Higuchi, S., Nagafuchi, Y., Lee, S.I. and Harada, T., 2014. Influence of light at night on melatonin suppression in children. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, 99(9), pp.3298-3303.
Davis, K.F., Parker, K.P. and Montgomery, G.L., 2004. Sleep in infants and young children: part two: common sleep problems. Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 18(3), pp.130-137.
Simpkin, C.T., Jenni, O.G., Carskadon, M.A., Wright Jr, K.P., Akacem, L.D., Garlo, K.G. and LeBourgeois, M.K., 2014. Chronotype is associated with the timing of the circadian clock and sleep in toddlers. Journal of sleep research, 23(4), pp.397-405.
Akacem, L.D., Wright Jr, K.P. and LeBourgeois, M.K., 2018. Sensitivity of the circadian system to evening bright light in preschool‐age children. Physiological reports, 6(5), p.e13617.
Akacem, L.D., Simpkin, C.T., Carskadon, M.A., Wright Jr, K.P., Jenni, O.G., Achermann, P. and LeBourgeois, M.K., 2015. The timing of the circadian clock and sleep differ between napping and non-napping toddlers. PLoS One, 10(4).