Prepare for Battle! Toddler and Preschooler Bedtimes
Is your toddler making a million requests at bedtime to keep you coming back? Have you fallen asleep in your toddler’s room more than once this week? In this blog, we'll review strategies to help your child fall asleep earlier and faster without the battle.
The Science
Sometimes we expect too much of our 2, 3, and 4-year-old children. They aren't babies anymore, and it's delightful to watch them grow and learn about the world. However, it's important to remember that they are still developing and maturing.
As children develop language, they use it to test cause and effect. For example, your child will begin to recognize hunger, thirst, and bathroom needs throughout toddlerhood. This will lead to asking for things to satisfy these needs.
Similarly, children begin to attach emotion to experiences, which can lead to expressions of frustration, fear, and anxiety.
In addition, sometimes children will ask for things just to see how you will respond. This is all part of how they learn about the world.
When children exhibit testing behavior or express fear or anxiety at bedtime, it's often because their biological needs for sleep have shifted. Studies suggest that toddlers experience a 1-2 hour shift in their circadian rhythm drive for sleep, leaving them wide awake at what was formerly a perfectly appropriate bedtime.
These normal developmental changes often interfere with bedtime, causing parents to turn to questionable "quick fixes" like melatonin.
Need More Help?
We offer several options for optimizing your child's sleep:
SLEEP TRAINING CLASS (for well babies 6-15 months)
PHONE CONSULTATIONS (with one of our sleep experts)
THE SECRET TO NAPS (downloadable e-book)
How can you help your child fall asleep faster and earlier?
First, make sure you are solving the right problem.
Determine whether your child's bedtime is appropriate. As noted above, the biological bedtime drifts later throughout toddlerhood for most children. Review these steps to ensure your child is capable of sleeping when you are expecting your child to sleep.
Ensure your child's sleep difficulties aren't due to anxiety. If your child is on the young end of toddlerhood, you may be dealing with a natural phase of separation anxiety. If your child is an older toddler or preschooler follow the steps in this blog to help ease your child's concern.
If your child doesn't seem to be anxious and you are confident that your child is capable of sleeping at bedtime, follow these steps:
Anticipate your child’s needs during the bedtime routine. If your child requests water or the potty after your bedtime routine, then make sure you have these needs built into your bedtime routine. It’s impossible to be consistent if you haven’t provided your child with everything s/he needs to be comfortable. Consider creating a new routine if your old one isn't working for you.
Avoid abrupt transitions. It may be tempting but don’t run out of the room as soon as you turn off the light. Toddlers don’t do well with abrupt transitions, so layer your response – turn out the light and then sing a song together in the dark (as a defined part of your routine) before you make your exit.
Be consistent. When the routine is over, it’s over. Make sure your child understands the routine, by creating a chart or book describing what you do in your routine. Have your child check things off as you complete them and have a clearly defined end.
Don’t give in to random requests. Toddlers and preschoolers do best with clear boundaries. When you respond to some requests, but not others you are giving your child a reason to keep asking. Giving in occasionally might not seem like a big deal, but intermittent rewards are actually a very powerful way to reinforce behavior.
Don’t say ‘no.’ When your child makes requests, saying ‘no’ is a trigger for battle. You also shouldn't engage in conversation (e.g. “You just had dinner, so I know you aren’t hungry”). Instead, pick a simple phrase that lets your child know what you expect. For example, in response to every request, simply say, “Good night, I love you, I’ll see you in the morning.” Stay calm and boring so that your child loses interest in asking.
Pick an approach that fits your parenting style and situation. There isn't a single behavioral strategy that is best for everyone when it comes to leaving the room. Know that toddlers and preschoolers have the capacity to stay awake for hours. Make sure you feel comfortable with implementing your approach for 1-3 hours straight for 3-7 nights in a row. Here are some options:
If your child is in a crib:
You can leave the room and return intermittently. Every time you return, repeat a mantra like, "It's nighttime, I love you, it's time to sleep." Continue the same response until your child falls asleep. This is a toddler version of the Ferber Method. You should not leave the room if you think your child is capable of climbing out of the crib. (Expect a lot of crying with this type of approach)
You can camp out in the room. It is also helpful to repeat a mantra with this type of approach.
You can use an approach like Pick-up-Put-Down. For toddlers, it's helpful to narrate your actions with this type of approach. Note that you'll also need to make a plan to get out of the room, so you might need to move from PUPD to something like option a above.
If your child is in a bed:
Make sure your child is in bed at the end of the routine. Leave the room after you complete all of the steps in your routine.
If your child stays in bed but calls for you, respond by intermittently coming to the door and repeating a mantra (as in option a for children in cribs).
If your child gets out of bed and leaves the room, quietly take your child back to bed. Do not offer an elaborate tuck-in or extra kisses because that reinforces the behavior you are trying to move away from. Instead, be matter-of-fact and neutral when putting your child in bed, say your mantra and leave again. This is not an easy strategy and it may take 50-100 return trips before your child falls asleep.
Make sure your child's room and anywhere your child can access unsupervised is safety-proofed (e.g., all furniture anchored to the wall, outlets plugged, windows secured, no heavy objects on dressers or shelves, nothing your child can climb, this is not a comprehensive list).
If this sounds terrible, you can also consider approaches that we normally recommend for children who are anxious. They can work for children who exhibit testing behavior but take more time.
Know that it will get worse before it gets better. If your child is used to having you respond in a certain way and you start to do things differently, your child will probably try everything to get you to do what you used to do. It’s very important to be ready for 3-4 rough nights before your child accepts the new way of doing things. This will be true even for very small changes.
Finally, a PSA: Don’t move your child to a toddler bed until age THREE.
Two-year-olds do not have impulse control, and there is no incentive that you can provide that is better than seeing you! This means that you will probably have a bunch of regressions where your child gets out of bed to find you whenever there is a minor life disruption (late bedtime, travel, meeting new cousins, etc.). In order to avoid these regressions and having to do an unpleasant intervention, hold off on the toddler bed until your child can understand why she needs to stay there or until it becomes a safety issue (if your child is at risk of climbing out, see this blog). When the time comes, we offer steps for how to make the change to a toddler bed here.
Need more help?
If you are concerned that your child may have a medical issue that is interfering with sleep, talk with your pediatrician. If you just need a little help formalizing a plan to get your child to fall asleep more easily at bedtime, please feel free to book a one-on-one consultation with us. We are always happy to help (and yes, we have lots of experience with toddlers and preschoolers!).
As working moms, we always appreciate it when you share our blogs and resources with other parents who could benefit from the information. If you are facing other challenges, then please check out our other blogs, our 0-6 month class, and 6-15 month class. We have blogs on schedules, travel, toddler issues, and more!
References
LeBourgeois, M.K., Wright Jr, K.P., LeBourgeois, H.B. and Jenni, O.G., 2013. Dissonance between parent‐selected bedtimes and young children's circadian physiology influences nighttime settling difficulties. Mind, Brain, and Education, 7(4), pp.234-242.
Higuchi, S., Nagafuchi, Y., Lee, S.I. and Harada, T., 2014. Influence of light at night on melatonin suppression in children. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, 99(9), pp.3298-3303.
Davis, K.F., Parker, K.P. and Montgomery, G.L., 2004. Sleep in infants and young children: part two: common sleep problems. Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 18(3), pp.130-137.
Simpkin, C.T., Jenni, O.G., Carskadon, M.A., Wright Jr, K.P., Akacem, L.D., Garlo, K.G. and LeBourgeois, M.K., 2014. Chronotype is associated with the timing of the circadian clock and sleep in toddlers. Journal of sleep research, 23(4), pp.397-405.
Akacem, L.D., Wright Jr, K.P. and LeBourgeois, M.K., 2018. Sensitivity of the circadian system to evening bright light in preschool‐age children. Physiological reports, 6(5), p.e13617.
Akacem, L.D., Simpkin, C.T., Carskadon, M.A., Wright Jr, K.P., Jenni, O.G., Achermann, P. and LeBourgeois, M.K., 2015. The timing of the circadian clock and sleep differ between napping and non-napping toddlers. PLoS One, 10(4).